My Life In...

Autobiography as series of "My Life In..." chapters.

My Life in Hotels.

My Life in Haircuts.

My Life in Bands.

My Life in Short Stories I Never Wrote.

My Life in My Favorite Songs.

Each chapter devoted to different facet of experience.

The whole emerges, somehow.

Move Over Apple-tini: Meet the Matcha-tini.

Matcha green tea.

Vodka.

Toast: may your platelets never stick together.

--E. R. O'Neill

Novel Entertainments.

A new form of entertainment emerges.

It's a sort of movie, but it happens in a different sort of building.

People lounge there for hours and hours at a time--no one ever asks you to leave--and you can eat as much food as you like during the process.

The movies are normal enough: there are characters, and they have problems and fall in love, and all that stuff.

But the characters are kind of odd. They act strangely. They say "hello" at the end of conversations. They say "I love you" before eating dinner. Some of the little rituals are wrong. The logic of feelings and actions seems upside-down.

People are very taken with this.

The new moviehouses with their infinite quantities of food start out with just a cult following. But slowly they spring up everywhere. More and more people are taken with the delectable food, the charming laziness of long hours spent watching rather inconsequential and odd events unfolding slowly.

People spend hours and hours inside specially-constructed movie theaters watching these strange moving images.

Which is very convenient, because when the aliens who made these movies arrive, it's that much easier to eat the now-fattened audiences.

--E. R. O'Neill

Survey.

Short survey of my work until now. It will take the form of brief capsule reviews of everything I have done: various bands, short stories, short films, film reviews, music videos, etc. Autobiography as self-excoriation, or vice versa.

On Being Short.

A book length essay/meditation on being short, a la Koestenbaum, David Shields, Barthes.

Ruminations on the life stages of the short person. The dread, the resignation, the celebration, the shame, the pride.

Brief sketches of the lives of famous short people.

Interviews with short people.

A book for the little ones!

Zombie Inc.

A 20-something guy desperately needs a job.

He finds one at a new corporation.

But all the other employees are zombies. (Think Being John Malkovich meets Shaun of the Dead.)

All very nice--dressed in corporate attire.

They only groan when the copier doesn't work. Other than that, they're quite articulate.

It's quite easy being the first in line, as everyone shuffles slowly along, no matter what the destination.

Popular in the cafeteria? Human flesh, of course.

Our hero of course is attracted to the slackers. There's even a really pretty zombie he has a crush on.

But he rises too quickly in the corporate ladder, and all the slacker zombies resent him.

There are even not-so-quiet whispers of tokenism--promoting the living above the living-dead, just to show they're 'fair.' (The black zombies are like "same ol' bullshit.")

--E. R. O'Neill

Doggie Motels.

Dog owners now have high-priced digs for their pets.

Eventually, of course, there will be low cost, even rundown alternatives.

I can't wait for the shitty doggy motel.

By the side of the road.

Rooms smell of pee.

Bedspread's been chewed on.

Near a doggie truck stop and diner.

Little doggie whores wandering around outisde.

Scary dog making dangerous meth-laced kibble in the next room.

--E. R. O'Neill